I woke up this morning and realized that today is the 10 year anniversary of the day I met my husband. I was out at a local reggae club with my girlfreind, and I remember sitting having a drink and this tall handsome man sat next to me and brushed my leg with his (by accident I assume). I looked at him from the corner of my eye, and I remember getting all giddy because he was so good looking and he smelled amazing! Then he bumped my leg again! This time I looked at him and he looked at me and I couldn't stop smiling. That's when he told me I had a beautiful smile, which caused me to giggle like a schoolgirl. He asked if he could dance with me, I told him later becase I had to find my friend. I found my friend out on the dancefloor, and a few drinks later she and I danced and danced and danced some more. I remember thinking I needed to find the hottie that wanted to dance with me, but before I knew it the night got away from me, and I just assumed it was a chance meeting and that was it. Then I looked up, and I saw him across the floor, his eyes scanning the room - was he looking for me? It was too packed to move, but I was hoping I'd see him again before the club closed. At closing time, my girlfriend and I leave with the masses. When we finally made it outside, my tall handsome stranger was leaning against a tree, waiting for me. We exchanged numbers. On our first date we went to Azteca Mexican Restaurant and watched Couching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.
This was the beginning. Before our world was forever changed by the tragedy of 9/11, before the war, before the market crashed. Things seemed so simple then. Don't get me wrong, when we first got together, we were both in the middle of pretty major personal problems. But for me, it seemed like all of that just faded away when we were together. I was in love! We did so much together. We went to church together, gave each other pedicures, did yard work together, read to each other, went to concerts and plays, had long talk on long walks. It was magic.
About two years later we were married. It was so beautiful! He the handsome prince, and me the blushing bride. Aside from having my daughter, it was the best day of my life. I remember the excitement and anticipation I felt about our future together. Our life together.
I look back at those days and can't believe 10 years have passed!!! Where did the time go? I can't believe I've spent more than 25% of my life with him. It doesn't seem like it's been that long. I'm a sucker for anniversaries, birthdays, New Years. I guess because I can measure how far I've come, assess lessons learned along the way, and make goals for the next year. So today I thought I'd take a look back and honestly assess my marriage. It is our anniversay after all.
I will never forget that the minister performing our marriage saying "marriage is not for the faint of heart, it's not only good times". I think those are the truest words I've ever heard. We have had really good times, and really bad times. Wonderful vacations all over the world. Times when we wondered if we made a mistake getting married. Times when we held onto each other for dear life. Days of silence. Times of intense passion, as well as the draught to end all draughts. Times when we came through for each other like no one else could, and times when we let each other down in the worst and most unthinkable circumstances. Richer, poorer, sickness, health - it all applies, and it is REAL. It's LIFE. It's BEAUTIFUL.
As I relfect, I realize that I have been truly blessed to have shared the last ten years of my life with him. I've learned so much about myself and life and love. What it really means to love someone. Not just the frilly silly romantic love that we had at the beginning, but also the gut-wrenching, compromising, heartbreaking, day-to-day, beautiful, willing to die for love that only comes with time.
So here's to you babe! This has been quite the adventure!!!! I can't wait to see what the next decade has in store for us. :-)
Love you
Friday, May 27, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
And I "Quote"...
There is something about me that my husband, parents, and friends don't know. Actually nobody knows. I heart quotes!!! I know it's not something that most normal people get too excited about, but technically "normal" is a relative term, just like the word "crazy". Anyway, about 7 months ago I started writing in my journal again, and on the back side of the page that I journaled on I just started writing down quotes. Comments I read, or saw on TV, or in a movie, or something a friend or family member told said to me or to someone else. Things that pop up in my head at random times for random reasons, and sometimes for no reason at all. Some are funny, some not so funny. I started looking through my journal, and realized I had quite the collection, so I thought I'd share some with you. Maybe you'll get a chuckle out of some of them, maybe more. Enjoy.....
"You should be kissed, and often. By someone who knows how".
"You gave me my first glimpse of a real life. Then you told me to carry on with a false one. As if anyone can endure that".
"When you worry your face will frown.
That will bring everybody down.
Don't worry. Be happy."Bobby McFarren
"Shall we deny love when it finds us? Shall we not take what we are given?"
"Maybe the hokey pokey really is what it's all about".
"Forgiveness means giving up the hope that the past can ever be any different than what it was".
"Build a bridge and get over it"
"You don't throw a whole life away just because it's banged up a little".
"The Bible says to love my neighbor as myself. But what if I hate myself?"
"Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable".
"There are no absolutes in life".
"Shareful isn't a word!!"
"If they're crying, at least you know they're alive".
"It is better to be silent and presumed a fool, than to speak and confirm all suspicion". My husband while joking about his friend that WOULDN'T stop talking!!! We actually call him "Jon The Talker " now. LOL!!
"You choose the behaviour, you choose the consequences" Dr. Phil McGraw
"Love does not die easily. It is a living thing. It thrives in the face of all life's hazards, save one - neglect".
"The reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen all at once"
"If rain doesn't fall, corn doesn't grow" Yoruba Proverb
"You've only got one shot
Do not miss your chance to blow!!
Cause opportunity comes once in a lifetime!"Eminem - "Lose Yourself"
"You have to stay loose, nimble, laugh alot. That's what I'm doing until I get the call from The Mothership. When The Mothership calls I'll be ready".
"I lift my eyes up to the hills - where does my help come from?"
"That's All Folks!!!" Porky Pig Psalms 121:1Owen Wilson in "You,Me and Dupree" (a really funny movie in my opinion)Albert EinsteinIyanla VanzantParenting tips from Samantha Claire that really helped ease the guilt I felt when I put my daughter to bed and she'd start bawling!! LOL!!! I'm so glad we're past that stage!!!Lisa R. schooling me one night at a concert. (Yes, I had a few drinks). I was telling her how proud I was that my daughter was so "shareful". Apparently I am the only one in the world that didn't know "shareful" wasn't a word. I was SO embarassed!!!! I have been using that word my whole life.My DadMaya AngelouDiana D.Jeff Bridges in "Seabiscuit".My husbandOprah WinfreyThe funniest magnet I've ever seen! LOL!!! Colin Farrel in "The New World" (my 2nd all-time favorite movie) Daniel Day-Lewis to Michelle Pfiefer in "The Age of Innocence".Rhett Butler to Scarlett O'Hara in "Gone With the Wind" (my all-time favorite movie)
"You should be kissed, and often. By someone who knows how".
"You gave me my first glimpse of a real life. Then you told me to carry on with a false one. As if anyone can endure that".
"When you worry your face will frown.
That will bring everybody down.
Don't worry. Be happy."Bobby McFarren
"Shall we deny love when it finds us? Shall we not take what we are given?"
"Maybe the hokey pokey really is what it's all about".
"Forgiveness means giving up the hope that the past can ever be any different than what it was".
"Build a bridge and get over it"
"You don't throw a whole life away just because it's banged up a little".
"The Bible says to love my neighbor as myself. But what if I hate myself?"
"Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable".
"There are no absolutes in life".
"Shareful isn't a word!!"
"If they're crying, at least you know they're alive".
"It is better to be silent and presumed a fool, than to speak and confirm all suspicion". My husband while joking about his friend that WOULDN'T stop talking!!! We actually call him "Jon The Talker " now. LOL!!
"You choose the behaviour, you choose the consequences" Dr. Phil McGraw
"Love does not die easily. It is a living thing. It thrives in the face of all life's hazards, save one - neglect".
"The reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen all at once"
"If rain doesn't fall, corn doesn't grow" Yoruba Proverb
"You've only got one shot
Do not miss your chance to blow!!
Cause opportunity comes once in a lifetime!"Eminem - "Lose Yourself"
"You have to stay loose, nimble, laugh alot. That's what I'm doing until I get the call from The Mothership. When The Mothership calls I'll be ready".
"I lift my eyes up to the hills - where does my help come from?"
"That's All Folks!!!" Porky Pig Psalms 121:1Owen Wilson in "You,Me and Dupree" (a really funny movie in my opinion)Albert EinsteinIyanla VanzantParenting tips from Samantha Claire that really helped ease the guilt I felt when I put my daughter to bed and she'd start bawling!! LOL!!! I'm so glad we're past that stage!!!Lisa R. schooling me one night at a concert. (Yes, I had a few drinks). I was telling her how proud I was that my daughter was so "shareful". Apparently I am the only one in the world that didn't know "shareful" wasn't a word. I was SO embarassed!!!! I have been using that word my whole life.My DadMaya AngelouDiana D.Jeff Bridges in "Seabiscuit".My husbandOprah WinfreyThe funniest magnet I've ever seen! LOL!!! Colin Farrel in "The New World" (my 2nd all-time favorite movie) Daniel Day-Lewis to Michelle Pfiefer in "The Age of Innocence".Rhett Butler to Scarlett O'Hara in "Gone With the Wind" (my all-time favorite movie)
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Oh NO HE DI'INT!!!!
Good morning!! I am awake and blogging before 9:00am, who'd have thunk it?? I didn't sleep very well last night, and I woke up this morning still mad from yesterday's happenings.
When my husband got home from work yesterday, I was feeding the baby her dinner - chicken, vegetables - just normal stuff. Well she decided after a few bites she didn't want to eat any more. Her back teeth are coming in, and her gums are swollen, and I think she's just kind of uncomfortable right now. But I still wanted her to eat, because if she doesn't eat, she doesn't sleep very well, which means no one sleeps very well. I've learned that if I just give her enough time, she will eat eventually. It's kind of her thing. She'll eat a little. Then play with the food for a few minutes. Then cry and whine for a few minutes. Then eat a little more. Then dinner is over and we can move on with our evening.
Well when my husband heard her start to cry, he came in the kitchen. As soon as she saw him she stopped crying and started laughing and wanted to get out of her high chair. I told him I wanted her to eat a little more first, she only had a few bites. He replied that she obviously didn't like my food (or in his words "she doesn't want what you're serving up") otherwise she'd eat it. He then took her out of the high chair and carried her into the living room. She was looking at me over his shoulder with a little grin of satisfaction on her face because she had gotten her way! I was a little frustrated that he did that. Because now she wasn't going to eat anything else, and when she's hungry she's CRANKY!!!!!
About 30 minutes later the whining starts. And she can whine with the best of them!!!! My husband calls his mom up to chat. She lives out of state, and he calls her a few times a week. He's on the phone with her, and the baby is crying and carrying on. I hear him tell his mom that the baby is spoiled, and he's tired of her crying all the time. (that's his passive agressive way of insulting my parenting, ouch!). He then puts his mom on the speaker phone so that she can say hi to the baby and the baby can hear her voice. She then said "She's a spoiled brat! I know one when I see one!" My husband quickly took her off the speaker and changed the subject.
Deep breath...... count to ten....... pause...... EXCUSE ME???????
Did I just hear what I think I heard??? And did he just do nothing about it???? (double ouch!!!)
First of all, she was crying because she was hungry, because he didn't give her enough time to eat, because she was crying in her high chair and wanted out, and HE let her out!!!! Who's doing the spoiling????
I could literally feel my heart racing, my palms getting sweaty, the room closing in on me. I had a bunch to say to BOTH of them, but I was so worked up, I knew that anything I did say would come out wrong and I would start crying. I was too frustrated to talk.
I could feel the mama grizzly oozing out of my pores!!! No one talks about my cub like that, without paying the consequences!!! It took all of my super human strength to NOT teleport myself through that phone line and give her a good......well, you know. And it took triple amounts of my super human strength to keep myself from taking the casserole out of the oven and pouring it over his head!!!! I must use my powers for good, not evil. I couldn't believe that he said what he said, and she said what she said, and he didn't defend me/us!!!!
Where is my hero? My grand defender? Screw it, I'll be my own hero. I'll defend myself.
I decided to give the baby a bath. That way I wouldn't have to listen to them talk and conspire against me. Paranoid much??? Baths always calm her down. Well most of the time. I think she could sense my anger, and started crying in the tub. My husband came in to see what was wrong (with his mom still on the phone). As soon as she sees him she starts smiling and laughing!!! I couldn't believe it! Was she turning on me too? That little stinker! After the bath, I dried her off, put a fresh diaper on her, all the while she's crying. He comes in, takes her from me, and starts talking to her in a sweet little baby voice:
"Would you like some jammies?"
"Oh, mommy didn't dry your hair. We don't want you to get sick. I'll make sure your hair is dry so you don't get sick".
Then he looks at me and says "Did you rinse all the shampoo out of her hair? I don't think you got it all". I replied "You can wash it again if you want".
Then I left. I got in my car and I left. I was so pissed off!!!!!! I drove around listening to vintage Fiona Apple (Tidal), Alanis Morisette (Jagged Little Pill), and Tupac Shakur (All Eyes on Me). I swear there is nothing like listening to two angry male-bashing white women and an F-bomb dropping gansta rapper to take the edge off. It works every time!!! It really does!!
I drove around contemplating my revenge:
1. Hide all of his right shoes and his left socks. LOL!!
2. Hem all of his slacks about 5 inches, so he goes to work with high-waters (ala Forrest Gump, RUN FORREST, RUN!!!)
3. Wash only mine and the baby's clothes, and refold his DIRTY clothes and put them back in his dresser.
4. As soon as he comes home, leave and let him take care of the baby at night.
5. Never do another dish or cook dinner again and let him figure out how to feed himself and the baby.
Then I remembered a book I read a long time ago, and suddenly I had a shift of perspective. The book is called "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. It's a really good book about keeping life simple and dealing with all the crap that throws us off balance. I thought of them, and applied them to this situation, and here's what I came up with:
Agreement 1 - Be impeccable with your word: Whatever that means.. LOL!!!
Agreement 2 - Never make assumptions: I guess that maybe his mom could have been talking about someone elses "spoiled brat". I will not assume she was talking about my daughter (who she's only met twice, by the way).
Agreement 3 - Always do your best: I bust my butt on a daily basis to keep our household moving smoothly. Regardless of if I've had a full night's sleep. I put my all into all of this, I could do way less and it woud still be more than most people.
Agreement 4 - Never Take Anything Personally: If my husband and his mom have a problem with how I am taking care of our daughter, that's their problem, not mine. I know I am doing a good job. I tread lightly here, but who made them the experts on child-rearing?? I can't get into more detail, that's all I have to say about that.......
So I'm letting it go. Well, kind of. I will forward this post to my husband, since he doesn't read my blog that much. And he can do with it what he wants with it.
You wanna put me on blast? Right back at'cha babe!!! Y tu mama tambien!! (that's Spanish for "and your momma too!).
I would normally feel bad about being disrespectful, but since I didn't get any respect in this situation, I don't feel the need to give it.
P.S. The silver lining in all of this......
I remember recently I made a comment that I thought a friend of mine was over-indulgent with her child. Karma is a crazy thing! Who am I to critique someone else's parenting style? Being critiqued by my husband and my mother-in-law didn't feel so good. I've only been a parent for a 1.5 years, and I had the nerve to comment on someone else???? I actually woke up in the middle of the night last night and thought about my comments, and I felt convicted. We are all figuring this whole parenting thing out as we go. We are not perfect. We do the best that we can. When we know better, we do better. Instead of insulting someone, we should offer support and a helping hand. If you know of something better, let me know what it is. I will take any help I can get.
When my husband got home from work yesterday, I was feeding the baby her dinner - chicken, vegetables - just normal stuff. Well she decided after a few bites she didn't want to eat any more. Her back teeth are coming in, and her gums are swollen, and I think she's just kind of uncomfortable right now. But I still wanted her to eat, because if she doesn't eat, she doesn't sleep very well, which means no one sleeps very well. I've learned that if I just give her enough time, she will eat eventually. It's kind of her thing. She'll eat a little. Then play with the food for a few minutes. Then cry and whine for a few minutes. Then eat a little more. Then dinner is over and we can move on with our evening.
Well when my husband heard her start to cry, he came in the kitchen. As soon as she saw him she stopped crying and started laughing and wanted to get out of her high chair. I told him I wanted her to eat a little more first, she only had a few bites. He replied that she obviously didn't like my food (or in his words "she doesn't want what you're serving up") otherwise she'd eat it. He then took her out of the high chair and carried her into the living room. She was looking at me over his shoulder with a little grin of satisfaction on her face because she had gotten her way! I was a little frustrated that he did that. Because now she wasn't going to eat anything else, and when she's hungry she's CRANKY!!!!!
About 30 minutes later the whining starts. And she can whine with the best of them!!!! My husband calls his mom up to chat. She lives out of state, and he calls her a few times a week. He's on the phone with her, and the baby is crying and carrying on. I hear him tell his mom that the baby is spoiled, and he's tired of her crying all the time. (that's his passive agressive way of insulting my parenting, ouch!). He then puts his mom on the speaker phone so that she can say hi to the baby and the baby can hear her voice. She then said "She's a spoiled brat! I know one when I see one!" My husband quickly took her off the speaker and changed the subject.
Deep breath...... count to ten....... pause...... EXCUSE ME???????
Did I just hear what I think I heard??? And did he just do nothing about it???? (double ouch!!!)
First of all, she was crying because she was hungry, because he didn't give her enough time to eat, because she was crying in her high chair and wanted out, and HE let her out!!!! Who's doing the spoiling????
I could literally feel my heart racing, my palms getting sweaty, the room closing in on me. I had a bunch to say to BOTH of them, but I was so worked up, I knew that anything I did say would come out wrong and I would start crying. I was too frustrated to talk.
I could feel the mama grizzly oozing out of my pores!!! No one talks about my cub like that, without paying the consequences!!! It took all of my super human strength to NOT teleport myself through that phone line and give her a good......well, you know. And it took triple amounts of my super human strength to keep myself from taking the casserole out of the oven and pouring it over his head!!!! I must use my powers for good, not evil. I couldn't believe that he said what he said, and she said what she said, and he didn't defend me/us!!!!
Where is my hero? My grand defender? Screw it, I'll be my own hero. I'll defend myself.
I decided to give the baby a bath. That way I wouldn't have to listen to them talk and conspire against me. Paranoid much??? Baths always calm her down. Well most of the time. I think she could sense my anger, and started crying in the tub. My husband came in to see what was wrong (with his mom still on the phone). As soon as she sees him she starts smiling and laughing!!! I couldn't believe it! Was she turning on me too? That little stinker! After the bath, I dried her off, put a fresh diaper on her, all the while she's crying. He comes in, takes her from me, and starts talking to her in a sweet little baby voice:
"Would you like some jammies?"
"Oh, mommy didn't dry your hair. We don't want you to get sick. I'll make sure your hair is dry so you don't get sick".
Then he looks at me and says "Did you rinse all the shampoo out of her hair? I don't think you got it all". I replied "You can wash it again if you want".
Then I left. I got in my car and I left. I was so pissed off!!!!!! I drove around listening to vintage Fiona Apple (Tidal), Alanis Morisette (Jagged Little Pill), and Tupac Shakur (All Eyes on Me). I swear there is nothing like listening to two angry male-bashing white women and an F-bomb dropping gansta rapper to take the edge off. It works every time!!! It really does!!
I drove around contemplating my revenge:
1. Hide all of his right shoes and his left socks. LOL!!
2. Hem all of his slacks about 5 inches, so he goes to work with high-waters (ala Forrest Gump, RUN FORREST, RUN!!!)
3. Wash only mine and the baby's clothes, and refold his DIRTY clothes and put them back in his dresser.
4. As soon as he comes home, leave and let him take care of the baby at night.
5. Never do another dish or cook dinner again and let him figure out how to feed himself and the baby.
Then I remembered a book I read a long time ago, and suddenly I had a shift of perspective. The book is called "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. It's a really good book about keeping life simple and dealing with all the crap that throws us off balance. I thought of them, and applied them to this situation, and here's what I came up with:
Agreement 1 - Be impeccable with your word: Whatever that means.. LOL!!!
Agreement 2 - Never make assumptions: I guess that maybe his mom could have been talking about someone elses "spoiled brat". I will not assume she was talking about my daughter (who she's only met twice, by the way).
Agreement 3 - Always do your best: I bust my butt on a daily basis to keep our household moving smoothly. Regardless of if I've had a full night's sleep. I put my all into all of this, I could do way less and it woud still be more than most people.
Agreement 4 - Never Take Anything Personally: If my husband and his mom have a problem with how I am taking care of our daughter, that's their problem, not mine. I know I am doing a good job. I tread lightly here, but who made them the experts on child-rearing?? I can't get into more detail, that's all I have to say about that.......
So I'm letting it go. Well, kind of. I will forward this post to my husband, since he doesn't read my blog that much. And he can do with it what he wants with it.
You wanna put me on blast? Right back at'cha babe!!! Y tu mama tambien!! (that's Spanish for "and your momma too!).
I would normally feel bad about being disrespectful, but since I didn't get any respect in this situation, I don't feel the need to give it.
P.S. The silver lining in all of this......
I remember recently I made a comment that I thought a friend of mine was over-indulgent with her child. Karma is a crazy thing! Who am I to critique someone else's parenting style? Being critiqued by my husband and my mother-in-law didn't feel so good. I've only been a parent for a 1.5 years, and I had the nerve to comment on someone else???? I actually woke up in the middle of the night last night and thought about my comments, and I felt convicted. We are all figuring this whole parenting thing out as we go. We are not perfect. We do the best that we can. When we know better, we do better. Instead of insulting someone, we should offer support and a helping hand. If you know of something better, let me know what it is. I will take any help I can get.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Change of Heart, Change of Plans
OK, so I know I haven't written in a long time. It's strange, I've been really busy, but I'm not too sure what I've been busy doing. Being a mom, wife, (maid???), looking for work etc. tends to take up a lot of time I'm learning. The last month or so have been pretty interesting to say the least. I remember when I first got laid off, I was kind of happy to not have to go to work for about the first month. Then the second and third months I found myself getting irritated by the way we were laid off, and a little bit bitter about how the whole thing went down. Also I wasn't getting any interviews (aside from 1, and I didn't get the job) and no calls back even acknowleding that I applied for a job. I could actually feel my brain turning to mush, I'd forget what day it was (seriously), and just felt like I was starting to sink into a foggy kind of mild depression.
But then something changed. A group of friends we having a "Welcome to the unemployed club" party, and I was the newest member!!! Everyone in the group was laid off from my old job about a year before me. Only 2 people came!! LOL!!! That's OK, I know how easy it is to get busy. So anyway, the 3 of us were sitting in her living room talking about what we've been up to, how challenging it can be to make ends meet, how frustrating it is to not get a call back on jobs we've applied for. It was nice just to talk to people that had the same experiences that I'm having. Right in the middle of all this chatter, my friend's phone rang. The person on the other end of the line saw she had applied for a job the day before, and basically interviewed her over the phone and offered her a job on the spot!!!! That was a Friday, and she was going to start on Monday!!!! It was CRAZY!!! I was really happy for her, and kind of sad for myself that no one called and offered me a job on the spot.
The next day I got to thinking about how much I thought I wanted to go back to work. But then I started thinking about what that would REALLY mean. I'd have to get up early (anything before 9am is just wrong) to get myself and my daughter dressed. Then she'd have to go to daycare or to her grandparents for 9-10 hours every day. Then I'd get home from work, probably exhausted, and have only a few hours to spend with her before she went to bed. I used to think that going to work was like a break from motherhood. But now I feel a little differently.
I was surprised to find that I kind of like not working. I can do what I want with the day. I get to sleep until 9am or so. Yes, the baby likes to sleep, just like her momma. I rediscovered my love for spending time in bookstores and libraries. I get to meet my friends for lunch - they have to go back to work, I get to go home and take a nap. LOL!! I've been going to matinees during the week BY MYSELF. (I LOVE doing things by myself, probably because I NEVER get to). All while wearing my trusty sweatpants, of course. Luckily my parents are just a few blocks away and are available to babysit most of the time, which is AWESOME. But most importantly, I get to spend time with my baby, time that I'll never get back. We go on long walks around the park, and to play groups and to play dates, the zoo, the aquarium and shopping and cooking. She's my little sidekick! She almost 18 months, and is a lot of fun! (Although I have to admit, after she was born, the first 3 months that I spent home with her were BRUTAL!!!!! No sleep and wacky hormones are a BAD combination. Going back to work really was a break then. Things are totally different now).
Don't get me wrong, if I got a good job offer, I would take it (I'm not stupid!). I have been looking and making applications, but I'm not stressing about it like I was before. Because who knows when I'll have an opportunity like this again. Of course, not working also means that there is way less money coming in. The unemployment checks are piddly compared to what I was making before, and realistically my husband and I need 2 full paychecks to keep up our current lifestyle. There's a good chance that we will have to make other changes, like moving, unless something drastic happens ASAP. The thought of moving makes me really sad. But at the same time, I feel like I'm living some sort of adventure, and it's kind of scary but exciting and crazy all wrapped up in a ball of insanity! I really don't know what's going to happen next, and I'm kind of OK with it. I am beginning to take comfort in the fact that the only thing constant in life is change. If nothing ever changes, then something is wrong.
Life changes, people change, plans change and it's all good! I say that now, but that may change too.
But then something changed. A group of friends we having a "Welcome to the unemployed club" party, and I was the newest member!!! Everyone in the group was laid off from my old job about a year before me. Only 2 people came!! LOL!!! That's OK, I know how easy it is to get busy. So anyway, the 3 of us were sitting in her living room talking about what we've been up to, how challenging it can be to make ends meet, how frustrating it is to not get a call back on jobs we've applied for. It was nice just to talk to people that had the same experiences that I'm having. Right in the middle of all this chatter, my friend's phone rang. The person on the other end of the line saw she had applied for a job the day before, and basically interviewed her over the phone and offered her a job on the spot!!!! That was a Friday, and she was going to start on Monday!!!! It was CRAZY!!! I was really happy for her, and kind of sad for myself that no one called and offered me a job on the spot.
The next day I got to thinking about how much I thought I wanted to go back to work. But then I started thinking about what that would REALLY mean. I'd have to get up early (anything before 9am is just wrong) to get myself and my daughter dressed. Then she'd have to go to daycare or to her grandparents for 9-10 hours every day. Then I'd get home from work, probably exhausted, and have only a few hours to spend with her before she went to bed. I used to think that going to work was like a break from motherhood. But now I feel a little differently.
I was surprised to find that I kind of like not working. I can do what I want with the day. I get to sleep until 9am or so. Yes, the baby likes to sleep, just like her momma. I rediscovered my love for spending time in bookstores and libraries. I get to meet my friends for lunch - they have to go back to work, I get to go home and take a nap. LOL!! I've been going to matinees during the week BY MYSELF. (I LOVE doing things by myself, probably because I NEVER get to). All while wearing my trusty sweatpants, of course. Luckily my parents are just a few blocks away and are available to babysit most of the time, which is AWESOME. But most importantly, I get to spend time with my baby, time that I'll never get back. We go on long walks around the park, and to play groups and to play dates, the zoo, the aquarium and shopping and cooking. She's my little sidekick! She almost 18 months, and is a lot of fun! (Although I have to admit, after she was born, the first 3 months that I spent home with her were BRUTAL!!!!! No sleep and wacky hormones are a BAD combination. Going back to work really was a break then. Things are totally different now).
Don't get me wrong, if I got a good job offer, I would take it (I'm not stupid!). I have been looking and making applications, but I'm not stressing about it like I was before. Because who knows when I'll have an opportunity like this again. Of course, not working also means that there is way less money coming in. The unemployment checks are piddly compared to what I was making before, and realistically my husband and I need 2 full paychecks to keep up our current lifestyle. There's a good chance that we will have to make other changes, like moving, unless something drastic happens ASAP. The thought of moving makes me really sad. But at the same time, I feel like I'm living some sort of adventure, and it's kind of scary but exciting and crazy all wrapped up in a ball of insanity! I really don't know what's going to happen next, and I'm kind of OK with it. I am beginning to take comfort in the fact that the only thing constant in life is change. If nothing ever changes, then something is wrong.
Life changes, people change, plans change and it's all good! I say that now, but that may change too.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
My Sunshine
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey.....
Good morning Bright Eyes!! Every morning you greet me with a big cheek-to-cheek toothy grin, giggling with the excitement of us starting a new day together. Your smile brightens up my dark dreary days and sleepless, restless nights. You are so happy and so beautiful. What did I do to ever deserve you? God gave a present to me when he gave me you. In spite of the rain and dark, cloudy skies, your smile brightens up my life and flows through me like a beam of renewal and light.
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you......I once read that being a mother is like living with your heart outside of your chest. I didn’t really understand it until I had you. I remember when you were born, one of the first things I did was marvel at your beauty, and say how protective I felt of you. Call it maternal instinct, but when I first saw your face, I knew that my life was forever changed. The world can be an ugly place sometimes, and if I can absorb at least a little of the nastiness for you, just to spare you even a little pain, then I will have done my job as your mother. I would do anything for you. I will sacrifice my happiness and personal desires for you, just to ensure you are safe and happy. I would gladly die for you, without a second thought.
Please don’t take my sunshine away.At some point in your life, you will move out and start your own life without me. I will be sad, but I know that you have to have your own life. I will have to step back, but I have confidence in everything you do, and everything you will do. I can already tell that you are gifted and brilliant!!! You will let your light shine. I think back to the drama of my pregnancy and the trauma of your birth. You not only survived, you thrived! You are Nylah! Your name means "champion". That is exactly what you are - a champion!!!! You are a fighter, and will make it, regardless of any obstacles that may come your way. (You come from good stock, on both sides of the family).
In the meantime, I will treasure every minute we have together. Please be patient with me, just like you, I’m learning as I go. I will make mistakes as your mother. And you will make mistakes as you grow up. But I promise to do my best, and to give the best of what I have to you. I just pray that it’s enough.
I love you!
Good morning Bright Eyes!! Every morning you greet me with a big cheek-to-cheek toothy grin, giggling with the excitement of us starting a new day together. Your smile brightens up my dark dreary days and sleepless, restless nights. You are so happy and so beautiful. What did I do to ever deserve you? God gave a present to me when he gave me you. In spite of the rain and dark, cloudy skies, your smile brightens up my life and flows through me like a beam of renewal and light.
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you......I once read that being a mother is like living with your heart outside of your chest. I didn’t really understand it until I had you. I remember when you were born, one of the first things I did was marvel at your beauty, and say how protective I felt of you. Call it maternal instinct, but when I first saw your face, I knew that my life was forever changed. The world can be an ugly place sometimes, and if I can absorb at least a little of the nastiness for you, just to spare you even a little pain, then I will have done my job as your mother. I would do anything for you. I will sacrifice my happiness and personal desires for you, just to ensure you are safe and happy. I would gladly die for you, without a second thought.
Please don’t take my sunshine away.At some point in your life, you will move out and start your own life without me. I will be sad, but I know that you have to have your own life. I will have to step back, but I have confidence in everything you do, and everything you will do. I can already tell that you are gifted and brilliant!!! You will let your light shine. I think back to the drama of my pregnancy and the trauma of your birth. You not only survived, you thrived! You are Nylah! Your name means "champion". That is exactly what you are - a champion!!!! You are a fighter, and will make it, regardless of any obstacles that may come your way. (You come from good stock, on both sides of the family).
In the meantime, I will treasure every minute we have together. Please be patient with me, just like you, I’m learning as I go. I will make mistakes as your mother. And you will make mistakes as you grow up. But I promise to do my best, and to give the best of what I have to you. I just pray that it’s enough.
I love you!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
GO HARD OR GO HOME!!!
Tis the season for a nice holiday vacation with the family. But not the kind that you see in the movies or cozy Christmas commercials where everyone is sitting by the fire sipping hot cocoa in their matching pajamas etc. No, not at all! We decided at the last minute to take a road trip to California to visit my husband's family for Christmas. He doesn't get to see them very often, and was a little homesick. Why not? I have all the time in the world, it could be fun to get out of town for a while, and I want our daughter to get to know the other side of her family.
The thing is, our road trips can be pretty intense. There is no stopping to see the sites, eating at quaint diners, making small talk with the locals in the small towns we're passing thru. Our trips are not for the faint of heart. They are high octane, fly by the seat of your pants, ride or die adventures. Hold on or get left!! That goes for the baby too! LOL!
Friday morning I hear some rustling in the living room, then I'm awakened by a blinding flash of light. "Get up, it's time to go!" he says. I squint my eyes to look at the alarm clock and it's 3 in the morning!!! "Get up!!! We have to go!!!" After my eyesight returns to me, I get up, throw on my sweatpants, change the baby's diaper and off we go. I've never been a morning person, but being woken up in such a violent fashion really brings out the BI%^&CH in me! We don't even make it to the freeway before I've barked out some sarcastic comments to which he replied in kind. Nothing like the holidays to bring out the ugly in a relationship.
Once we're on the freeway, and I've had my 40 ounces of coffee, things start to level out and it's smooth sailing. We drive, nonstop - except to use the bathroom, diaper changes, and stops at fast food drive thru's (going in takes too much time)- for 13 straight hours!!! The ride was pretty fun for the most part. It was nice just talking to each other. Normally we're so busy living life, that it seems like we forget to make the time to really check in with each other. We get to my mother-in-law's house, go out to eat, and then crash for the night. The baby slept pretty good too, which was nice.
Christmas morning, we get up eat breakfast, and get ready for the 2 hour trek from Sacramento to Hayward to visit his aunt for the night. About an hour into the drive, I get a call from Mother Nature telling me that we need to stop the car ASAP or I'm gonna be really sorry. My bladder has never fully recovered after childbirth, so this happens from time to time.
I pull off the freeway and find a Denny's to stop. The parking lot is packed and I didn't realize it, but I was driving the wrong way around the parking lot. There is a truck heading in the opposite and correct direction, but there's plenty of room for both us to pass each other, so I can't figure out why he stopped. Oh well, I have to pee, so I just drive past him. I hear some snickering from the passenger seat, I look over and ask my husband what's so funny!!!! He said the guy in the truck just flipped me off!!!!! LOL!!!!!!! There's no parking place open so I drive around the building again (in the wrong direction), and the same truck is heading around again too (in the right direction). I look at him, and he FLIPS ME OFF AGAIN!!!!! He held his middle finger up for what seemed like a really long time. This really pissed off my husband, so he leans over me and slams his middle finger up against the driver-side window!!! So now we have two adult men flipping each other off in a Denny's parking lot on Christmas morning! Not to mention the insults they were shouting at each other (but neiter could hear because the windows were rolled up). Finally we stop, and he says (and I quote) "Hurry up and go to the bathroom so we can leave before I have to get out of the car and BEAT that little mother fucker's ass!!!!" LOLOLOL!!!!!!! I go in, take care of business, and off we go. We later laughed about it. I just went to Denny's to pee. He was there to celebrate Christmas!!! Who's the chump now?
We get to Aunt Nona's, open presents, eat lots and have an altogether good time. Unfortunately the baby did not nap that day, and she was really cranky when it was time for bed. Finaly she goes to sleep. That is until I hear insane screaming and whaling from upstairs. I go up to see what's happened, and I run into our little 5 year old cousin on his way out of the bedroom. Apparently he thought it would fun to shine a flashlight in the baby's face while she slept (you know, so she wouldn't be afraid of the dark). After about an hour she goes back to sleep. I go downstairs, and my husband hands me a tall glass of vodka with a splash of soda in it. I take couple sips, and off to bed I go.
Sunday morning my husband tells me that we are going to go to church to see more cousins and aunts and family (from his dad's side) to say hi and so they can see the baby. The problem is, I didn't really bring "church clothes". The church I go to (when I actually go to church) has no real dress code. I could show up in my sweatpants and a hoodie, and no one would give me a second look. This church is a little different. The men wear 3 piece suits and the women are in their dress suits and hats and heels etc. I dug through the arsenol of sweatpants in my suitcase and found a pair of jeans and a t-shirt that didn't have food stains from the baby and off to church we go. We pull up into the church parking, and notice a wretched smell coming from the backseat. The baby took an epic dump. This was a 7-wipe job!! I get her out of the carseat, change her diaper, and we start heading into the church. I have the dirty diaper in one hand (it was too stinky to leave in the car) and the baby in the other. I look and look for a garbage can, but there's not one to be found. It's bad enough that I'm wearing jeans and a t-shirt to church, but I couldn't bear the idea of walking in holding a poop-filled diaper too. So, I put the diaper in my purse. :-) We sit by one of the aunts, give hugs and kisses etc., all the while I can smell the poop fumes coming out of my purse!!! I see a bathroom, excuse myself, and dump it. I think I can still smell it.
The rest of the day was spent driving all over, visiting people, eating and more driving. I found a kindred spirit in the wife of one of the cousins. She's about my age, was recenly laid off, and is struggling with the adjustment a little with her new life as a stay at home mom. She has THREE kids, I can't imagine how she stays sane. She even had on sweatpants!!! We hit it off right away, I hope to see them again.
Monday morning we got up, and drove the 13 hours back home. I think my daughter has post traumatic stress disorder from being trapped in her carseat for so long. She cried the last 3 hours of the trip....
It feels so good to be home. Can't wait for things to get back to normal (whatever that means).
The thing is, our road trips can be pretty intense. There is no stopping to see the sites, eating at quaint diners, making small talk with the locals in the small towns we're passing thru. Our trips are not for the faint of heart. They are high octane, fly by the seat of your pants, ride or die adventures. Hold on or get left!! That goes for the baby too! LOL!
Friday morning I hear some rustling in the living room, then I'm awakened by a blinding flash of light. "Get up, it's time to go!" he says. I squint my eyes to look at the alarm clock and it's 3 in the morning!!! "Get up!!! We have to go!!!" After my eyesight returns to me, I get up, throw on my sweatpants, change the baby's diaper and off we go. I've never been a morning person, but being woken up in such a violent fashion really brings out the BI%^&CH in me! We don't even make it to the freeway before I've barked out some sarcastic comments to which he replied in kind. Nothing like the holidays to bring out the ugly in a relationship.
Once we're on the freeway, and I've had my 40 ounces of coffee, things start to level out and it's smooth sailing. We drive, nonstop - except to use the bathroom, diaper changes, and stops at fast food drive thru's (going in takes too much time)- for 13 straight hours!!! The ride was pretty fun for the most part. It was nice just talking to each other. Normally we're so busy living life, that it seems like we forget to make the time to really check in with each other. We get to my mother-in-law's house, go out to eat, and then crash for the night. The baby slept pretty good too, which was nice.
Christmas morning, we get up eat breakfast, and get ready for the 2 hour trek from Sacramento to Hayward to visit his aunt for the night. About an hour into the drive, I get a call from Mother Nature telling me that we need to stop the car ASAP or I'm gonna be really sorry. My bladder has never fully recovered after childbirth, so this happens from time to time.
I pull off the freeway and find a Denny's to stop. The parking lot is packed and I didn't realize it, but I was driving the wrong way around the parking lot. There is a truck heading in the opposite and correct direction, but there's plenty of room for both us to pass each other, so I can't figure out why he stopped. Oh well, I have to pee, so I just drive past him. I hear some snickering from the passenger seat, I look over and ask my husband what's so funny!!!! He said the guy in the truck just flipped me off!!!!! LOL!!!!!!! There's no parking place open so I drive around the building again (in the wrong direction), and the same truck is heading around again too (in the right direction). I look at him, and he FLIPS ME OFF AGAIN!!!!! He held his middle finger up for what seemed like a really long time. This really pissed off my husband, so he leans over me and slams his middle finger up against the driver-side window!!! So now we have two adult men flipping each other off in a Denny's parking lot on Christmas morning! Not to mention the insults they were shouting at each other (but neiter could hear because the windows were rolled up). Finally we stop, and he says (and I quote) "Hurry up and go to the bathroom so we can leave before I have to get out of the car and BEAT that little mother fucker's ass!!!!" LOLOLOL!!!!!!! I go in, take care of business, and off we go. We later laughed about it. I just went to Denny's to pee. He was there to celebrate Christmas!!! Who's the chump now?
We get to Aunt Nona's, open presents, eat lots and have an altogether good time. Unfortunately the baby did not nap that day, and she was really cranky when it was time for bed. Finaly she goes to sleep. That is until I hear insane screaming and whaling from upstairs. I go up to see what's happened, and I run into our little 5 year old cousin on his way out of the bedroom. Apparently he thought it would fun to shine a flashlight in the baby's face while she slept (you know, so she wouldn't be afraid of the dark). After about an hour she goes back to sleep. I go downstairs, and my husband hands me a tall glass of vodka with a splash of soda in it. I take couple sips, and off to bed I go.
Sunday morning my husband tells me that we are going to go to church to see more cousins and aunts and family (from his dad's side) to say hi and so they can see the baby. The problem is, I didn't really bring "church clothes". The church I go to (when I actually go to church) has no real dress code. I could show up in my sweatpants and a hoodie, and no one would give me a second look. This church is a little different. The men wear 3 piece suits and the women are in their dress suits and hats and heels etc. I dug through the arsenol of sweatpants in my suitcase and found a pair of jeans and a t-shirt that didn't have food stains from the baby and off to church we go. We pull up into the church parking, and notice a wretched smell coming from the backseat. The baby took an epic dump. This was a 7-wipe job!! I get her out of the carseat, change her diaper, and we start heading into the church. I have the dirty diaper in one hand (it was too stinky to leave in the car) and the baby in the other. I look and look for a garbage can, but there's not one to be found. It's bad enough that I'm wearing jeans and a t-shirt to church, but I couldn't bear the idea of walking in holding a poop-filled diaper too. So, I put the diaper in my purse. :-) We sit by one of the aunts, give hugs and kisses etc., all the while I can smell the poop fumes coming out of my purse!!! I see a bathroom, excuse myself, and dump it. I think I can still smell it.
The rest of the day was spent driving all over, visiting people, eating and more driving. I found a kindred spirit in the wife of one of the cousins. She's about my age, was recenly laid off, and is struggling with the adjustment a little with her new life as a stay at home mom. She has THREE kids, I can't imagine how she stays sane. She even had on sweatpants!!! We hit it off right away, I hope to see them again.
Monday morning we got up, and drove the 13 hours back home. I think my daughter has post traumatic stress disorder from being trapped in her carseat for so long. She cried the last 3 hours of the trip....
It feels so good to be home. Can't wait for things to get back to normal (whatever that means).
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Attention PLEASE!!!
Lately I've been feeling a lot more high maintenance and needy than usual. Honestly, right now I am hungry,starving, DESPERATE for attention!!!! If a tree falls in the middle of the forest, does it make a sound if there's no one there to hear it? I am that tree. I have fallen. I think I made a sound, but all the other trees are just going on with their daily lives and business as usual.
I feel like I need several hours to talk soley about myself, my dreams, fears, losses, happiness. All about ME, without interruption. I need to be focus of attention for a while. I feel invisible, and I don't like it!!!! Can someone say "Got Therapy??"
Yes, I have wonderful groups of friends that I get to hold court with from time to time. But our gatherings are far and few between, and usually we're so happy just to see each other and catch up, that time goes flies by and its time to go home. And once the wine gets flowing and we start getting giddy, we just laugh and talk about whatever comes up. I love those nights, even if I'm not the focus of attention for the ENTIRE evening. Don't judge, I said at the beginning of this post that I'm feeling high maintenance.
Yes, I have a husband. And while he may be a sexy beast, he is also a man. This unfortunately means that his interest and tolerance for talking with me, about me, for hours on end is pretty minimal. In fact, I usually have about a 10-minute window of discussion with him before he tunes out, and things start to go south.
They say desperate times call for desperate measures. So much so that I've fantasized about putting my sweatpants away (don't worry love, it's just for a little while), and putting on something that accentuates my lovely lady lumps. I'm thinking skin tight jeans, super low cut shirt, high heels, siren red lipstick etc........ Then I'd take a stroll past a few construction sites as see how many cat calls and whistles and honks I can get!!!! It would be a definite ego booster, as shallow as it may be. I love a cheap thrill as long as no one gets hurt, and no laws or marriage vows get broken.
But unfortunately, every fantasy has an equal and opposite REALITY. And the reality is that there is no construction going on right now, so I'd be walking around, all glammed up, past empty holes in the ground!!! There would be no one to honk or whistle. LOL!!! Also, I'd probably have the baby with me because wherever I go she goes. Babies are the new accessories of 2010. Am I the only one that got the memo??? With my luck it would start pouring down rain, and I would slip and fall (since I can't walk in heels to save my life) and split my pants! My shirt (probably white) would be completely soaked through, REALLY putting "the girls" on display, my makeup running down my face giving me racoon eyes, a rip down my pants, all while I'm wobbling in my heels pushing a stroller down an empy street. NOT HOT!!!! That "S" on my chest (see previous post) would stand for SKANKY instead of Superwoman. LOL!!!
So I've decided that a healthier, more family and marriage friendly way of getting attention will be to tell my friends about this blog. That will be my cheap thrill of the day! Its kind of scary putting myself out there, but what's the worst that could happen?
I feel like I need several hours to talk soley about myself, my dreams, fears, losses, happiness. All about ME, without interruption. I need to be focus of attention for a while. I feel invisible, and I don't like it!!!! Can someone say "Got Therapy??"
Yes, I have wonderful groups of friends that I get to hold court with from time to time. But our gatherings are far and few between, and usually we're so happy just to see each other and catch up, that time goes flies by and its time to go home. And once the wine gets flowing and we start getting giddy, we just laugh and talk about whatever comes up. I love those nights, even if I'm not the focus of attention for the ENTIRE evening. Don't judge, I said at the beginning of this post that I'm feeling high maintenance.
Yes, I have a husband. And while he may be a sexy beast, he is also a man. This unfortunately means that his interest and tolerance for talking with me, about me, for hours on end is pretty minimal. In fact, I usually have about a 10-minute window of discussion with him before he tunes out, and things start to go south.
They say desperate times call for desperate measures. So much so that I've fantasized about putting my sweatpants away (don't worry love, it's just for a little while), and putting on something that accentuates my lovely lady lumps. I'm thinking skin tight jeans, super low cut shirt, high heels, siren red lipstick etc........ Then I'd take a stroll past a few construction sites as see how many cat calls and whistles and honks I can get!!!! It would be a definite ego booster, as shallow as it may be. I love a cheap thrill as long as no one gets hurt, and no laws or marriage vows get broken.
But unfortunately, every fantasy has an equal and opposite REALITY. And the reality is that there is no construction going on right now, so I'd be walking around, all glammed up, past empty holes in the ground!!! There would be no one to honk or whistle. LOL!!! Also, I'd probably have the baby with me because wherever I go she goes. Babies are the new accessories of 2010. Am I the only one that got the memo??? With my luck it would start pouring down rain, and I would slip and fall (since I can't walk in heels to save my life) and split my pants! My shirt (probably white) would be completely soaked through, REALLY putting "the girls" on display, my makeup running down my face giving me racoon eyes, a rip down my pants, all while I'm wobbling in my heels pushing a stroller down an empy street. NOT HOT!!!! That "S" on my chest (see previous post) would stand for SKANKY instead of Superwoman. LOL!!!
So I've decided that a healthier, more family and marriage friendly way of getting attention will be to tell my friends about this blog. That will be my cheap thrill of the day! Its kind of scary putting myself out there, but what's the worst that could happen?
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