Sunday, February 20, 2011

Change of Heart, Change of Plans

OK, so I know I haven't written in a long time.  It's strange, I've been really busy, but I'm not too sure what I've been busy doing.  Being a mom, wife, (maid???), looking for work etc. tends to take up a lot of time I'm learning.  The last month or so have been pretty interesting to say the least.  I remember when I first got laid off, I was kind of happy to not have to go to work for about the first month.  Then the second and third months I found myself getting irritated by the way we were laid off, and a little bit bitter about how the whole thing went down.  Also I wasn't getting any interviews (aside from 1, and I didn't get the job) and no calls back even acknowleding that I applied for a job.  I could actually feel my brain turning to mush, I'd forget what day it was (seriously), and just felt like I was starting to sink into a foggy kind of mild depression.

But then something changed.  A group of friends we having a "Welcome to the unemployed club" party, and I was the newest member!!!  Everyone in the group was laid off from my old job about a year before me.  Only 2 people came!!  LOL!!!  That's OK, I know how easy it is to get busy.  So anyway, the 3 of us were sitting in her living room talking about what we've been up to, how challenging it can be to make ends meet, how frustrating it is to not get a call back on jobs we've applied for.  It was nice just to talk to people that had the same experiences that I'm having.  Right in the middle of all this chatter, my friend's phone rang.  The person on the other end of the line saw she had applied for a job the day before, and basically interviewed her over the phone and offered her a job on the spot!!!!  That was a Friday, and she was going to start on Monday!!!!  It was CRAZY!!!  I was really happy for her, and kind of sad for myself that no one called and offered me a job on the spot. 

The next day I got to thinking about how much I thought I wanted to go back to work.  But then I started thinking about what that would REALLY mean.  I'd have to get up early (anything before 9am is just wrong) to get myself and my daughter dressed.  Then she'd have to go to daycare or to her grandparents for 9-10 hours every day. Then I'd get home from work, probably exhausted, and have only a few hours to spend with her before she went to bed.  I used to think that going to work was like a break from motherhood.  But now I feel a little differently. 

I was surprised to find that I kind of like not working.  I can do what I want with the day.  I get to sleep until 9am or so. Yes, the baby likes to sleep, just like her momma.  I rediscovered my love for spending time in bookstores and libraries.  I get to meet my friends for lunch - they have to go back to work, I get to go home and take a nap. LOL!! I've been going to matinees during the week BY MYSELF.  (I LOVE doing things by myself, probably because I NEVER get to). All while wearing my trusty sweatpants, of course. Luckily my parents are just a few blocks away and are available to babysit most of the time, which is AWESOME. But most importantly, I get to spend time with my baby, time that I'll never get back. We go on long walks around the park, and to play groups and to play dates, the zoo, the aquarium and shopping and cooking.  She's my little sidekick!  She almost 18 months, and is a lot of fun!  (Although I have to admit, after she was born, the first 3 months that I spent home with her were BRUTAL!!!!!  No sleep and wacky hormones are a BAD combination.  Going back to work really was a break then.  Things are totally different now).

Don't get me wrong, if I got a good job offer, I would take it (I'm not stupid!).  I have been looking and making applications, but I'm not stressing about it like I was before.  Because who knows when I'll have an opportunity like this again.  Of course, not working also means that there is way less money coming in.  The unemployment checks are piddly compared to what I was making before, and realistically my husband and I need 2 full paychecks to keep up our current lifestyle.  There's a good chance that we will have to make other changes, like moving, unless something drastic happens ASAP.  The thought of moving makes me really sad.  But at the same time, I feel like I'm living some sort of adventure, and it's kind of scary but exciting and crazy all wrapped up in a ball of insanity!  I really don't know what's going to happen next, and I'm kind of OK with it.  I am beginning to take comfort in the fact that the only thing constant in life is change.  If nothing ever changes, then something is wrong.

Life changes, people change, plans change and it's all good!  I say that now, but that may change too.